Back and Forth

I guess I go back and forth to some degree (will this always continue?). I hope that reconciliation can happen and my marriage can continue for the sake of honoring Christ. I love my husband of course. I hope it is not unforgiveness that keeps bringing new old memories to me. I went to a support group last night and it was wonderful. People living their lives in the victory of Christ. Many of them were victims of adultery, though. A little different . . .

My Questions today:
1. Is it too late for us to have the kind of meaningful, deep, committed love we were meant to have?
2. Why did it take me leaving to change?
3. Is the change permanent?

His question: What will it take to come back to him?

Sundays are always tough

After a lot came back to me . . .

You
I did too much for you. You just kept pushing, wouldn’t let it go. You pushed and pushed. I was your wife and you took a vow to love and care for me, protect me. But you didn’t. You bullied me. You just kept on pushing. I would never have treated you the way you were with me systematically. Every damn day. Nothing was ever good enough and then all of a sudden I found myself trying so hard to get your attention.

Now I have to write letters to my relatives, look for a new place to live, everything. Do you know how hard it is to start over when you have largely believed yourself to be stupid, incompetent, and wrong? Now I have to relearn everything, because of the way you chose to treat your vow. And you want to have me on your arm, serve you, have your children? I DON’T WANT YOU!

Now it’s about me. And this is what I would say to myself if I met me and needed to provide counsel:

“He abused you, he controlled and dominated you. He never committed his heart, never considered you worthy of his trust or intimacy, never validated you, as a woman, as a wife, as a mom, as a professional. He put you down all the time, always acted like you were an annoyance, an irritation, something to be tolerated. He degraded you in the worst ways.
Now, you can be free of that. Now it’s over. So you pick your head up, brush your shoulders off, and live your life. You don’t need anyone. You are loved. You did not fail. You are succeeding by being brave enough to cut ties and count your losses.”

Yes, I see that you really are changing. I am happy for you. You seem like a new person. I think it is wonderful. But it is too late for me. The spark I had left for you is dead, out. But what makes me mad is that I was your wife. I gave everything to you. I accepted all the terms you had with no complaint. Even in changing my name, registering, everything. Having children, living paying rent, my clothes, everything. You tried to make me feel like a whore for just getting ready in the morning, putting on my makeup. Now I am left with a lot of unanswered questions about my own future. But one thing I am not confused about is what I need to do. It bothers me that I am the one who has to make all of these decisions.

I am going to make an appt to do our taxes. I am going to make sure that Sarah has several appts with Dr. Karen scheduled and that I attend the first one with her. Then I am going to file. I will find a place to live. I will live a quiet life. I will have a comforting home, take an art class, go on mission trips, and care for myself. And if there are men in my life, they will respect me. I want kindness and dignity for myself. I will leave you. I will leave you in my past. You will become part of my story, my past. Most importantly, I will not feel guilty about it. I will be free.

Choosing Joy

I have heard it said that joy is different from happiness. “The joy of the Lord is my strength.” Happiness is a byproduct of joy, maybe but joy is a choice, a decision-based outlook founded in the deeply-rooted truth of scripture. Yesterday was another rough day. I was just totally weepy, tender-hearted. I read a note from my husband and it just made me cry. It was sweet and wonderful, thanking me for the opportunity for him to love me. But when I went to write him back, I just cried. I’m still broken hearted. And I can’t consider these things and feel the possibility of freedom (when I think about my future with him).
Today I am choosing joy. I choose to not be some kind of weeping willow or victim! I have a counseling appt today with my husband and I look forward to moving forward. I hope that these difficult days will become less frequent. I believe it actually.

Out of the Ashes

We burned the list. Well, N tried. It ended up just making a lot of smoke and mess and he had to turn on the faucet and then pitch it. I was laying on the couch. That’s basically how I am around him. My energy dies. I feel totally drained. On the one hand, it is wonderful to see him acting so kind and loving toward me now. But it stings really bad. Because I remember the comparison. I don’t believe I am unforgiving. If that were true, I wouldn’t even go on “dates” or try to continue to go to counseling.
So what’s left in the ash of our marriage?

As much as Nick would cringe to read this, I have to be honest. . .
there is friendship, there is a tenderness, there is a level of familiarity that I just dont have with anyone else. And there is fear. there are some ugly scars and -
there are still tears. still hurt.
damn.
can I write in this thing without this pain? God it hurts so bad.

I was in Miami last week. I had a few too many “tangotinis” mid-conversation with a hotel manager’s wife and her alcoholic 23 year old daughter. She listened to my story and kept saying in spanish “you still love him, you’re still in love with him.” I shook my head. Yes I love him but in love? no. I’m trying to start over so hard, let him cultivate that kind of longlasting love with me.

—-just talked to my girl. What a mess I am, my nose is gushing blood in starbucks, I got a little uncontrollably emotional. Sometimes it just hits me like a wave, its too much (no more Alicia keyes!) and I have to breathe intentionally. Well that’s what happened in Miami. I wasnt sick from the alcohol but i ended up just dry heaving from sheer pain. It’s still physical that way. I had a moment earlier today in the lockerroom of my gym, just had to grip the wall. I thought I was going to throw up. Sometimes I get like that, sometimes I am livid that we are here and sometimes I am genuinely sad.
So girl, to answer your question about the next step, I’ll tell you it cannot be physical. I feel like a dead fish when he kisses me and sometimes I cringe on the inside when he touches me. Once in the last week, we took a nap together and I woke up motionless remembering what he said about not being sure he wouldn’t ever hit me. These are things I mostly keep to myself, keep inside. I am hoping this blogpost will help me to be free from some of it.
I do love him. When I think about my beautiful angelic child and her future and not seeing her, well that part is deeply painful. What a mess. And I have to smile at myself. I swear to my friends and my family, I AM trying. Even being this vulnerable to write this down (as much as it hurts) is trying. But I dont think I could survive this kind of pain if I have to go through it again with him. Whoever is reading this, understand that he is not a bad person. Quite the opposite. He is working so hard to be healed and free and just try to love me the right way. But I’ve lost myself, I am “one day at a time” because I dont have a choice. . .

Losing the Numb

Many times in the past few months I have felt numbness, a loss of touch with reality. There have been dark days and slow, quiet tears on and off. Mostly, though, I felt numb. The numb is wearing off. I cannot even believe it but I know the reality of my future. I knew it always, since the first night two months ago when my husband started the ball rolling with the words, “I’m not happy.” At this point, he and I are trying to start a new relationship. So we went on a date, we are spending time together today (although I found an hour to sneak off) and he has me booked for Valentine’s day.
The numb wears off. I realize that I have no fears of the future; on the one hand, I don’t think that we will be married and I am not scared of being alone. On the other hand I’m not scared of being with him because I know I don’t want to. I actually try in my mind to get myself motivated to see him, to go on these dates and family outings and playdates with the kids and each time, it’s like I am dragging my feet more and more. I haven’t filed yet. It’s not because I don’t want to, I am just getting used to the idea. Also, I did say I would try (with him) or rather, let him try with me. I know there is between a 5 and 10% chance that I will wake up one morning within the next two months and actually miss him, want to be with him even.
But for now, the numbness wears off. Replacing it is a chill as deep as there is outside this window today. I feel small and trapped with him, defensive and protective. I feel like I have no choice but to try with him and that is the hard part because I do have a choice and I am making myself try, against everything I feel and believe to be best for me. There’s just still a lot of pain because he was my abuser. I know I forgave him that but I don’t know if I can be in a relationship with it too. Maybe I am carrying a lot of anger still. Does it mean I havent forgiven if I can’t be with him?
I smoked a cigarette the other day. (By the way, if YOU KNOW WHO is reading this, do NOT be alarmed-read on). It was disgusting and it reminded me of why I don’t do that anymore (I used to smoke in HS). The bottom line is, nothing short of prayer and faith can ease the pain. And the scars I have from the ways this relationship has marked me will never totally fade away. It’s no one’s fault and it’s everyone’s fault. I have never even shared some of the most painful parts, things that I would never want anyone to know, things I cannot bring myself to write down. When I look at his face, I can’t totally separate the man that I have known to be my husband. And I also cannot deny that a new man is softening the expression on that face.
But it’s really not enough. If I stay, it will only be out of obligation. Maybe that’s how God designed it and then I have to face the fact that God may be so disappointed in me because I don’t see my future that way. It’s hard because all of our friends are noticing how he’s changing but sometimes that is even more painful because I am still hurting. And a lot of times, it is like salt in the wound that he can change and does really love me but yet was able to do all of those things to me. Why did it take me leaving? That is the question no one can answer. I am worth so much more.

Better Days

Wow, I am so exhausted this week. But a few things are settled. I feel a lot happier overall, despite some rough spots. I am “dating” my husband, though still separated. Still feeling very free and strong on my own, no desire to return home. But I don’t have the resentment toward him as much, which is good.

So it’s a new day and I am looking forward to whatever it brings. If you are reading this, you should too.
“This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.”

Small Moments

I collect small moments. I think a lot more. I realize what is happening around me now. I am slower, calmer and more patient. I have grace for myself and others. I like myself.
Today I saw a red cardinal flash before my window as I drove on the freeway. It was a vibrant burst of color, dangerously and recklessly daring to be red in the midst of gray-brown winter afternoon. The color of the day reminds me of the smoking section of a restaurant when the draw the blinds during the day. And now, darkness and the predictable lettered glow of strip mall signs beckoning no one to empty parking lots. It’s Superbowl Sunday. And I am working. Because I want to! (and I have to)
I remember that about 6 years ago, I stayed a little too late Superbowl sunday at my boyfriend’s house and ended up on a freeway of black ice.
I am that cardinal now. Sometimes (since I separated), I crave strange things like a cigarette or a passionate kiss. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to date again. Would I be blinded to important matters of concern again? I’d probably be a mess.
Last night I had the first date of my new relationship. My husband and I basically buried the hatchet in counseling. (ie me: “you were abusive to me when you did —” him: “Im sorry, it was wrong, it will never happen again”)
Now I don’t mean to be cynical. It was a wonderful step and it allowed me to really accept his amends. That’s why I dont need to go into detail. I can honestly say that I dont hold those hurts against him. The date was wonderful. It was thoughtful and romantic. I was totally impressed and I felt very respected and cared for. But I don’t feel that bond of love (even though he tells me now more than ever). The feelings, physical and otherwise, are just not there. So I will wait. I will try. I stay hopeful. I keep thinking it will only be a matter of time and then I will wake up one morning and just not feel so good being separated. At this time, I feel friendship, I feel compassion, and I feel the burden of his attempts toward me. I love him, honestly. I guess that time, prayer and patience (and more dates!!) will help tell if this is the man of my future or my past.
Back to that cardinal. What is better, to live your life taking risks and lighting up the sky or staying put in the security of your nest? On the one hand, the wild bird is beautiful and surprising to see on the freeway. On the other, it may very well have ended up a flat mess of beautiful red feathers on the car behind me. Or it could have been a crazy bird!!
Am I brave and couragous? Or just a crazy bird?? Time will tell after all.

A new Day

Every morning I wake up, I hope I will wake up with the desire (emotion) to return to my marriage. At this point, I am probably too fragile. Because I know it is possible that God will sustain a long-term change in my husband, I cannot move forward independently. Also, in my mind and understanding, I really do hope that things can work out.
I think about my husband’s childhood, try to understand who he is better, and keep taking steps on my own that help me find value in myself. Tonight, I will share the list with him. So I want to forgive and move past the hurt.
I met with an attorney last night . . . just to understand my options and legal choices. It was surreally calm to discuss those things and yet I am not pressed to make that decision . . nt yet. I do have a timeline in place though. In the interim, I am praying for my husband, praying for myself and our daughter. And trusting God to lead me to the right place.

Yesterday’s Post

Its been a month. We’ve been through so much apart from one another. I know that I do not miss my husband and, now that I am not trying to run after him, chase down his approval, I realize that I do not have any passion toward him either. There are tender moments, though, like tucking in Sarah at night and the general feeling of sadness and heaviness that we both have but can’t resolve with one another.
It’s been a while since I posted. I think I have slowed down a little, I definitely was feeling out of control and then hit the wall. Now I am blinking in disbelief, nothing to distract me, seeing it for what it is and just still trying to take it one day at a time. I’m sad. I want so much for all of our futures and I would love to see us celebrate a 50th anniversary one day, having experienced a totally fulfilling friendship and intimacy within our marriage. But then I think of how we’ve operated up until this point. My birthday . . .

Lord you said you hate divorce. Do you hate pain and hurt within a marriage too?? Lord, do you hate emotional abuse and bondage?

Amor, being in the house with you was strange last night. It’s difficult not to fall into old routines like offering to take care of everything. But I don’t feel any spark in your arms.

I want to try, we are worth that. But what if it’s too late? Either way, I will give us all I can give. As much as I associate a healthier me with not being with you, I don’t want to rush into a decision to split up for good. But if we are going to work it, we have to undo the whole DNA of this relationship and rebuild it in small, painstakingly slow steps.

What’s the Point?

I could keep going with this list but at the end of the day, I guess it doesn’t really matter. I don’t know how to explain this for anyone who will challenge me on what the Bible says but my marriage was not ever a marriage. It is clear to me that I tried to maintain a one-sided relationship for a long time. My husband said his vows but he never gave me a part of himself. And inthe meantime, I gave all of me. Now I have to reclaim who I am, who God made me to be. And it feels unfair to have to burden this alone. But I know who to cast my cares on, and it is not my husband.

I will not give up going to counseling or praying for everything but in a very peaceful place in my spirit, I know this relationship is over. And it makes my soul sigh with relief. I have NO CLUE what I am doing, am totally dependent on the Lord each day and cannot understand why He is telling me to run but I know my future is not with this man. THis man has hurt me so much, pushed me until he could see me push back and now I am pushing back.

Jesus, why do the pieces fall so slowly until we are only holding on to the last one? Then there You are, so gently and so patiently calling me to leave these pieces, calling my husband to leave these pieces, stop trying to fit them together, and just walk towards You. Please free me from this life, please tell my husband to let me go. When he prays, please give Him your truth, Your message.