Sweet sweet sweet

It’s the dream where you are falling but you know it’s a dream. Giving up the stability of your steady ground, you give up your footing in volition and take the risk that crosses every human being’s mind when confronted with the startling view of a plunging depth below. You free fall and in the dream there is no fear or impeding sense of mortality. Just the pleasure of the breeze on your face and the sickly sensation that you may not know where this is going.

Once I ate an Asian dessert made of sweetened peaches. They were like little balls which had floated in syrup for a length of time. I almost threw up trying to eat one. It was too sweet and the sensation stayed in my mouth for a good half an hour. Even imagining it, my lips curdle in anticipation. 

You are kind of like that. Meant to be a sweet present, meant to compliment my life like dessert compliments a meal, meant to bring an assurance of freedom, there is a part of you that is too sweet, too inhibiting, too much. I force myself to pull back even as I feel the freefall taking over. It’s awful. I have been on this trip before and I’ve never come out unhurt. How could it possibly be different with you? Each time I don’t hear from you, each time I feel myself reaching too far, I think “oh no Em, don’t go there again.” Love is so tricky. Even in saying it, I know I could love you. But should I?